DEATH & DENIAL - THE NEW FUNERAL NORM

​For thousands of years, humans have honored their dead through various rites and rituals.
More than 40,000 years ago, Neanderthals seem to have laid their dead to rest with flowers. Ancient Egyptian, Greek, Roman, and Norse cultures (to name but a few) all honored the dead in elaborate ways that were way beyond merely disposing of the corpse. Jews, Muslims, and Christians (the Abrahamic faiths) each honor the dead and take great pains to invoke the hope for some life with God beyond death.

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All of this is ending. Death is now evermore met with denial and an effort to simply dismiss the dead from our self-centered lives.

Denny Dormody, a writer and funeral director in California, wondered in a recent USA Today article, “Why I’m standing alone at more and more graveside services. Alone. By myself. Just me and the deceased and the guys with the shovels.”  He continues, “It’s all about the D-word: "denial." Back in the day, it was the R-word: "respect." Now, why bother with the epic journey to the doom-and-gloom funeral home with your argumentative sister to organize mom’s final arrangements? Today, it’s so simple. Email. Text. Docusign. Plain. Simple. Denial! So sad.”

One of the reasons this trend is increasing at an appalling rate is the cop-out phrase, “We’re so busy.” Having a funeral is just, well, inconvenient. We have important games to attend, schedules full of concerts, recitals, tournaments, not to mention season tickets and hunting season. As Dormody writes, “Let’s wait till Aunt Sofie’s birthday, which is coming up in two months. We can all get together then and have some type of memorial. We’ll text you. So, the cremated remains sit in a faded yellow cabinet at the funeral home, or if the service involves a casket with ground burial, the deceased waits in his or her casket, shelved in the mortuary’s back room. It’s no way to treat a lady, or your cherished nana.”

If even the death of a loved one cannot alter our calendars, then the calendar is our god, and our souls are suffering a deficit.

Cremation has also altered our sense of honoring the dead in unanticipated ways. The rising U.S. cremation rate is projected to hit 82% in 2045. Let me be clear: Cremation is a perfectly acceptable way to lay our loved ones to rest for some very good reasons. That said, the “convenience” of cremation can – and often does – cause an unexpected result. Cremation can encourage postponement of dealing with death. Even worse, because the ashes can be stored anywhere, the practice can promote a sense of dismissal or disposal of the dead. It can be like taking out the trash or storing discarded items in the basement or garage instead of an honored way of returning our bodies to the dust and ashes from which we came. Dormody notes that “Instant cremations have become not a way to celebrate a life, but a way to delete one. Cherished family funeral rituals are disappearing. Like paper files. Like bank tellers. Now, after a lifetime of living, after a lifetime of changing diapers, of babysitting, of driving to games and watching graduations, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, grandparents and even friends are not given this once-essential memorial ceremony. Instead, I'm afraid they're being forgotten.”

Dismissal also becomes part of the neglected rites of burial when the family claims the life of the loved one as their “property” alone, making decisions that exclude others who loved the beloved dead. I have seen the pain and grief of church members who have lived with, loved, and shared life with someone who has died and then are excluded from any presence at a service or any opportunity to grieve. Often those church members cared for the loved one as deeply, if not more deeply, than the family who could be scattered to the four corners of the earth.

Forgotten indeed! More and more families make the conscious choice to ignore the wishes of those who have died so they can deny death and dismiss honoring them.

All of this concerns me as a pastor. My biggest concern is the way all of it stokes a lie – that we can deny death. An article in Premier Christianity addresses the danger. Denying death is not helping people deal with loss, and fewer funerals will not help with this. But this is a worrying trend. Our society is one which, as the report says, “keeps death at arm’s length and out of sight.” People no longer see the point of funeral ceremonies - especially if they are not religious - and instead choose to avoid the sadness and trauma of seeing the coffin or the curtains close. Yet alongside good community and family support, these acts have traditionally helped us face the loss and finality of death. Acceptance is the first step in the grief journey, and acknowledging sadness is necessary. Death denial does not, ultimately, help us here.

As people of Christ, we worship a God who endured death instead of denying it. As people of faith, we honor the dead as part of the communion of saints which helps us move forward in truth instead of living a lie. The death rate is one per person. We all owe God a death, as Shakespeare wrote. Only when we honor our dead, embrace our mortality, and stand open to God’s promises will we truly face death’s beloved human beings.

Pax Christi,
Tim Olson – Lead Pastor
Image by Dorothée Quennesson from Pixabay